I Took Revenge for 9/11 by Sleeping With Ashley Simpson*
In the days and months after the events of 9/11/2001, I was lost, confused and angry like most Americans were. I needed to strike back, the Army wouldn’t take me and after checking various maps it turns out you cannot drive to Afghanistan from California, thus I was shit out of luck. I needed to even the score, to do something to get back at Al Qaeda and the enemies of freedom. I first tried conserving gasoline by driving less and keeping my engine tuned up, I even bought an energy-efficient dryer and bought florescent light bulbs. While I saved about $150 a month on energy bills, I wasn’t sure how that translated into financial loss for the Saudi oil families who contribute to the Madras’s that spew anti-western hate. After doing some math it turned out that my act of defiance added up to a gross loss of .000012 cents to the evil-doers. So I then switched to watching movies and listening to music made by Jews (except Barbara Streisand), I figured that if Jews continued to be popular in the west it would be a total burn on bin Laden and his toadies. I even masturbated to pictures of Torri Spelling and Jamie Lynn Siglar. While I’m sure this kept them awake at night in their caves I couldn’t be completely sure if it was me or the constant bombing by the Air Force. No, I needed to do something that would make a statement, something that would say “I’m proud to be an American” and “Fuck you, bin Laden!” all at the same time. I spent hours locked in the shed, I mean Isolation Tank behind my house, meditating on this most profound of actions. Then one night I was awaked by the neighbor’s cat, which was in heat and caterwauling, I would sleep with Ashley Simpson.
I won’t go into the details of how exactly I pulled this off, only because I now want to try sleeping with Jessica Alba and Jessica Beal and my secret must remain unspoken. I met up with Ms. Simpson at a Howard Johnsons in Muncie, Indiana; and after a nice dinner at the Stucky’s and then finding a killer deal on a case of Mickey’s Big Mouth malt liquor at 7/11 , we went our room to make sweet love. In truth, it was more like a contact sport, Discovery Channel-Baboon type-sex where lips embraced secret places and stuff got poked and pulled in a way that said “God Bless America!” Ms. Simpson was Patriotic too; she told me (just before I did her for the fifth time) that she was also using me for revenge too. She didn’t say against whom, but I’m sure it was against bin Laden too.
A true, loyal American is she.
So, after 12 hours, I blew my last wad of manly essence on her back and rolled off and went to sleep. When I awoke, she was long gone; I was surprised she could still walk. I got out of bed and after checking to see if my nipples had stopped bleeding I hopped into the shower. I stood beneath the hot water, a man reborn in the light of nasty sex and freedom. I had shown them, those cave-dwelling Islamo-weenies, America was still here and still strong. As long as a sleazy dork like me could make rusty-monkey-love to a chick like Ashley Simpson, then the terrorists had lost. There’s your icy cold plate of revenge, Al Qaeda, EAT IT RAW! Not to be out done by Jessica Simpson’s little sister, a few months later Britney Spears not only let some skuzzy looser get to the pink, she went the next step and MARRIED HIM.
Damn it, with patriots like Britney and me, Al Qaeda should just quit right now.
* Author did not actually sleep with Ashley Simpson. However if anybody has Jessica Alba’s number he would be appreciative.