Sunday, October 01, 2006
Conspiracy of the Month: Giant Killer Wombats
Dammit! The news is totally ignoring this. Right now, the continued exisitance of mankind is in question. See, a bunch of Giant Wombats escaped from a laboratory in China, where Chinese and south African scientists were breeding a race of Giant Wombats to use in mining operations. They got too big and just tore the doors off of their cages and then they killed the entire staff....developing a taste for human flesh.Now they're loose, and I think they're here.No, I haven't seen one, but I have evidence:Kielbasa prices are at an all time low. Although Wombats are said to be erborial, they're also fanatical Kielbasa eaters. This means that Wombats have stopped eating Kielbasa....what are they eating now? Hmmmmm?New housing sales are at an all time low and housing sales are dropping. Where are all of these people going? What happened to them? I'm pretty sure that if you check the records, right before these individual markets collapsed, a family of giant Wombats moved in. Nobody wanted to say anything because of political correctness, they didn't want to be accused of species-profiling. Now it's too late.Those failing housing markets are in Florida, where they also have all of those sinkholes. Those sinkholes are caused by the burroughing of the Giant Wombats, although I'm the only one who's put 2 and 2 together.Now a few people have tried to link the Giant Wombats to the attacks of 9/11, saying that they'd dug out the foundations of the World Trade Center and then hijacked those planes, and that the government knows this but doesn't want to panic the public about Giant Wombats let alone Giant Wombats that know how to fly airplanes. I don't believe this only because if Wombats had been behind the attacks they would have hit Chicago. This is because everybody knows the best Kielbasa can be found in Chicago. Besides, the Bee Gees have been trying to warn us with hidden messages in their music for the last decade, we just haven't noticed because who the fuck listens to the Bee Gees?