Friday, April 23, 2010

What Al Qaeda Should Do Next. (Winning The War on Terror: Part 1)

Al Qaeda is on the ropes as a terrorist organization. They lost in Afghanistan, they got their ass handed to them in Iraq, and are not doing all that hot in Somalia. So I have a solution that will allow Al Qaeda to evolve into a more profitable enterprise while still occasionally terrorizing people.

Al Qaeda should start their own airline. Call it AQA.

AQA would have many advantages over the other airlines in that their entire staff would be former and current terrorists. So right off the bat the company would save money on security background checks. They would most likely be popular with travelers because AQA would have no security checkpoints whatsoever, and thus check-in would be a breeze. They wouldn't serve booze during the flights, and the flight crew will stop to pray at the appointed times (the plane would be on auto-pilot). Kids would once again be welcome to visit the unlocked cockpit and talk to the pilots, after which they would receive the honorary pilots wings and a red bandanna that says "Death to America and Israel" in Arabic embroidered upon it.
The pre-flight safety briefing would consist of a video of a guy in an orange jumpsuit kneeling in front of five or six AQA employees wearing balaclavas and armed with AK-47s. The flight attendants would be all male, and would have the option of wearing either the red bandanna or a black balaclava, or a combination of both. The scariest looking Al Qaeda fighters would be assigned to the check-in desk at the airport, just like Delta Airlines does. The AQA check-in counter would feature a hand-made banner (another money saving idea), and the check-in clerk would have a couple of guys behind him dressed in black and wearing masks. The threat of physical violence should make check in much faster, and this in turn will make the airline that much more popular, especially with business travelers.

Because Al Qaeda is a terrorist organization, they will inject terror into the AQA travel experience. I see this as a benefit. For example standard airlines will turn on the "Fasten Seat belt" sign as the pilot quietly warns the passengers of turbulence ahead. The result of this is that many passengers ignore the warning and either get hurt themselves or injure others. On AQA, the pilot would simply start yelling "Allah Akbhar" into the intercom and put the jet into a brief nose-dive. It is safe to assume that all seat belts will be on within seconds. The passengers might need to change their underwear, and AQA could accommodate them upon landing. The baggage handlers could place simulated IEDs into the passenger's luggage before returning it to them. When the passenger finally opens their suitcase, the IED "explodes" sending confetti and small candies into the air along with little fortune cookie-sized messages that read: Thank you for flying AQA, death to America, death to the infidels!" They could include vanity luggage tags that read "I flew AQA and all I got was this stupid luggage tag, and a death threat." Perhaps they could have their own private lounges where alcohol could be served. There they could sell t-shirts that proclaim: "I got bombed by Al Qaeda at [insert foreign airport name here]." At their lost luggage claims counter there could be a poster featuring Osama bin Laden with the slogan "Hey, if they haven't been able to find this guy, your suitcase is history."

In short, AQA would be much like the other major airlines, only they could wear their disdain for humanity on their sleeves.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Guitar Players Need to Grow the Hell Up.

I just finished reading the Guitar Player Magazine interview with Orianthi, which I recommend to anyone who plays guitar. She seems to be a player with her head on straight and a realistic balance towards pop and instrumental guitar music.


What pissed me off were the references to the problems that women - still - face being taken seriously as guitar players. GP even adds excerpts from their Facebook debate which reads like a bunch of long shore men sitting in a bar in 1969. I have been away from the guitar community for 21 years, so I am more than a little shocked to see that my male guitar-playing brethren are a bunch of pencil-dick-slack-jawed-ass-backward-knuckle-dragging-asswhipes.

Let me get this straight, in 2010 women fly F-15s, 16s, 18s, 117s, B-52s, B-1s, and drop 1000 pound bombs on Al Qaeda and Taliban scum. Women are Nobel Prize winning scientists. Women are among the top surgeons in their respective fields in every country around the world. Our last three Secretaries of State have been women. The Speaker of the House is a woman. Women occupy almost every kind of job that is available in the United States. Yet if those same professional women pick up a guitar and master it they are not to be taken seriously, and are instead to be treated as a novelty.

Are you guys out of your fucking minds?

You can't play guitar with your dick, I know I've tried and there is bleeding and blisters involved. Seriously, the guitar doesn't care if the person playing it has a penis or a vagina, and all that should matter is the music. That would be all that mattered if guitar players would fucking grow up. Do you guys still wear pajamas with feet? Does your mommy still do your laundry?

Are you guys afraid of cooties?

It is disgraceful that in 2010, guitar players seem to occupy the lowest wrung of the evolutionary scale. I'm a conservative guy, but if a woman is good at something then you support her and let her do it. Everybody wins. Worse, some of these misogynous dinosaurs consider themselves liberals and progressives. Shame on them. I didn't like this crap back in 1983, but at least then women were just breaking into the greater world and were still treated as second-class citizens. In 2010, when 70% of popular music on the radio is made by women, some of them even writing their own songs, then the male guitar player needs nut up and shut up.

I could point out that there is a name for men who only want to hang around other men, but that would be an underhanded cheap shot.

Is big bad Orianthi a thwet to your wittow ego? Does the fact that a girl plays better than you somehow undermine your fwagile manhood?Does the idea of someone who uses tampons and can play as well as you and your hairy-assed buddies somehow diminish all that you have worked for? Have you ever considered that this is why you and your band will never get out of the garage? Have you given any thought to the fact that your narrow-mindedness is why you are an abject failure in life? How many ex-girlfriends have you had? Let me guess, it was always them and their problems, right? And those of you who are divorced? Same thing, she never saw it your way?

Let me clue you in , Scooter, you are an immature buffoon. You are a walking, talking cartoon character of a man. Well, sort of a man, because you have never made psychologically it off the kindergarten playground. You are a sad and pathetic waste of male genitalia.

Any time a new talented guitarist shows up on the scene and has success the rest of us guitar-playing types should rejoice. Orianthi is out there inspiring new guitarists, this is a great thing for the instrument. I would point out that all the great guitarists wouldn't care less about a woman playing guitar, and maybe this is why guitar playing has vanished from the real world and now only exists in video games along with dragons and ninjas. Pete Townsend, Eric Clapton, Andy Summers, and Steve Vai are all grownups.

It is a sad day in Mudville when in 2010, guitar players cannot deal with a chick who is as good or better then them. Sad indeed.