In this time of ugly and stupid political rhetoric, the time has come for our politicians and the people who cover them to cut the shit. Between the hot-air, grandstanding do-nothing politicians and the know-it-all, everyone who disagrees with me suck – radio and TV talk show hosts the country is sick of political discussion because it deteriorates into a grouse-fest. Nothing is getting done and fewer people vote each year because they’ve had it up to here.
This is why it’s time for a Constitutional Amendment mandating the Duel to resolve political infighting and name-calling. It was the great Aaron Burr who once said “In your face, Beeeyaaatch” as he stood over the dying Alexander Hamilton. The two had taken their political disagreement to its logical conclusion, Burr won. The nation mourned and Congress outlawed Dueling from that point on. This was a huge mistake. The Duel is a valuable too for maintaining civil discourse in a polite society. Here’s how the law would work:
Any person holding political office, or running for political office, who feels their character, has been impugned or that their position has been unfairly represented publicly; can call for a settling of the dispute by a Duel. The intent of a Duel must be announced by a slap of the face of the opponent; by bare hand or by the traditional set of riding gloves in available, striking hard enough to be heard and felt yet not as hard as to cause severe injury.
The Duel must be held within one week.
The Duel can be in a safe, public location or a private location with witnesses.
The Duel will be fought with a snub-nose, .38 caliber pistol. Each pistol will contain eight (8) rounds of hollow-point ammunition.
No ballistic vests may be worn.
The Duelists will be handed their weapons and stand back-to-back. A witness will begin counting out loud the numbers from one to ten (in numerical order). Upon reaching the number ten (10), both contestants will turn and begin firing their weapon. Each may fire their weapon until it is empty. At no time can either contestant approach the other while firing.
The Duel is over when both contestants have stopped firing. A contestant can cease fire after one round if he chooses to do so.
The contestant who is still alive, or has survivable wounds is the winner. If both are wounded, the contestant with the least damaging wounds is the winner. If both contestants are wounded equally the contest is a draw. If both contestants die, the contest is a draw.
There will be no dancing, cheering or celebration of any kind by the winning party.
If challenged to a Duel, it is not mandatory to accept. However, declining to fight in a Duel has consequences:
If one declines to Duel, they must apologize – daily – in public for 30 days.
They must acquiesce to the challenger all points at issue and never again make challenge.
If the one who declines is in the news media or has a talk show, they must remain silent on the challenger except to apologize.
Duels must be fought by the initial parties no substitutions are permitted by either side for any reason.
No limit will be made to the number of Duels that can be called by any one qualified person.
I think that the idea that you might have to face off against Nancy Pelosi or Trent Lott, armed with a .38 might make you choose your words much more carefully.