Saturday, September 02, 2006

Fart therapy, The Smell Of Freedom.

In the 1980s, the United States Air Force conducted experiments in social development using farting to change introverts into extroverts. To be fair, it wasn't actually the US Air Force, but my brother who was IN the Air Force at the time but since he was on their payroll any research technically belongs to the Air Force. Farting, passing gas, cutting the cheese, one-cheek-sneak, pooting and releasing the barking spider has long been a family pastime. Our father was a Zen master of stepping on the duck, he perfected the timing and delivery so that everyone within ear and nose shot could enjoy the event. When my brother joined the Air Force he quickly became a legend at Lackland AFB, where he found that the humid, hot Texas weather only amplified his gift. The "Day of the Four Hour Stink" is still talked about in hushed tones, a day where my brother left an air biscuit in the laundry room that cleared it of all personnel and kept them at bay for almost four hours. He also developed, through sudo-chemical research at Korean restaurants, the ability to stink up an entire 707 airframe.

My brother quickly noticed that his friends and co-workers who emulated him began to change. His roommate was a quite and shy before he met my Bro, and he was shocked by the loud and public farting. Then he started to do it too; here and there at first but then in a short time he was farting loudly at the Pub. In front of women no less. He became out going and and gregarious and quite the lady's man. In the thirteen years he spent in the Air Force he saw the same thing over and over. He also noticed that the new social farters also got promoted faster and more often. It was a form of Gassive Aggression that had been untapped up until then and remains unkown to the world at large even today. Now, it would take at least two years of one-on-one apprenticeship to become a Zen Master Gas-Passer but I'll be happy to share some tips so that you can start to change your life for the better.

1. Time your fart for maximum effect.

2. You own your farts, so release them wisely, you cannot un-fart.

3. Fart loud and proud. It's your God-given right as a living thing and ALL living things release gas.

4. Announce your release creatively, phrases like "Now for a word from our sponsor", or "To quote the bin Laden".

5. George Carlin said that when he was in the Air Force, when someone farted he'd say "Captain who?". A variation of this is always funny, for instance "Oh, you like rap music?"

6. Driving in a car with friends, turn the radio down before you fart so they get the full effect.

7. In a bar or restaurant, stand up and ting your fork on your glass like you're making a toast at a wedding and once the room is silent, let fly. (This is a Zen Master move)

8. Just because you are talking on the phone is now reason not to share with others, in fact if you think you've got a spectacular one brewing you're obligated to call someone. Conference calls will never be boring and you may not have to sit through as many down the road.

9. A woman that freaks out when you fart is not for you, she's obviously a control freak. A woman that fires back is the one you marry. **Note** Pregnant woman farts are pure evil, every "Dutch Oven" she's endured will be repaid in spades, and she's counting them too**

10. Never apologize for farting, even if you made small children cry.

There is more but that should be enough to get you started.

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