Saturday, January 16, 2010

God, Al Qaeda, Pat Robertson, and Mark McGwire

I'm an Episcopalian, I have not set foot inside of a church in thirty years, and I have no plan to do so in the foreseeable future. I tell you this in the interest of disclosure because I'm going to talk about God and you deserve to know where I'm coming from.

God is the grand architect, the great creator, the dude/dudette/entity that made everything. If you are religious you believe this. Yet do you UNDERSTAND this? Have you ever thought about what kind of power it takes to create an entire universe, and then populate it with thinking creatures? I will keep it short here and just say that God has power that we cannot even comprehend. So because we cannot comprehend God's power it is a wise move to just to shut the hell up about what God can do. It is also wise to not assume we know what God wants, in fact God instructed his children not to use his name in vain. That means you cannot run around telling people what God wants, or worse doing things because God told you too. To do so is a sin, you go to hell, and God kept it simple with only ten commandments. So when you have someone running around using God's name to advance stupidity, or to do awful things you know that you are dealing with first-class douche bags. Let's explore this idea...

Al Qaeda has been crapping on the name of God since 1990. They think of themselves as Muslims, but in fact they are mostly bore rich assholes who use Islam to advance their evil, and warped view of the world. People who kill in the name of God, or who kill for God amaze me. Why? God kills people every day by the hundreds of thousands. You know, old age, disease, traffic accidents, floods, hurricanes, and last week he took home a bunch of Haitian. Man cannot trigger a 7.0 earthquake. God pulled it off on his coffee break. God also knocks passenger jets out of the sky too, as in the case of that Air France Airbus last year. God doesn't need Al Qaeda to hijack airliners or to blow them up in the air. He just does not need that kind of assistance. True story... Down on Highway 101 a few years ago there was this woman who was driving south. Her tire blew and she lost control of her car. She spun off of the road only to smack into a tree which then launched her back onto the highway. She was okay though, the airbags and seat belts had done their job, but as she was dialing 911 her car was hit by another speeding SUV. Her car was knocked 500 feet down the highway where it came to rest on the railing of an overpass. The woman was still unhurt. She climbed out of the car, but in her dazed state she then walked in front of a semi-truck and was crushed to death. The moral of that awful story is that when God wants you dead - you're dead.

So where does Al Qaeda come off killing people for God? That is blasphemy. What Al Qaeda is really saying is that God doesn't know what he/she/it is doing, and that they are doing God's work for God. I don't know about you but I hate it when people second guess me. Death threats usually follow. I notice that Al Qaeda has had one devastating defeat after another since 2001. They have had terrorist acts pulled off in their name, but most of those are Al Qaeda wannabees. for the most part, Al Qaeda's leaders cannot go outside for fear of a Predator drone nailing them with a Hellfire missile. Islam has begun to rethink how it relates to the world via Jihad, and more and more Al Qaeda finds itself on the outside of the Muslim world. Way to go, gang...

Then there is Pat Robertson, another religious extremist, who said that the earthquake in Haiti was because of the Haitian people's political views, and probably voodoo (or hoodoo). That is not how God works. The Soviet Union was atheist, yet no huge disaster befell them. The Nazis didn't kill everyone in Russia, and the United States never nuked Moscow. The earthquake happened because Haiti sits next to a subduction zone where the Atlantic plate slide beneath the North American plate. That's why you have all those volcanoes in that region. You also have violent earthquakes there from time to time. It would have made no difference to God who lived in Haiti. That earthquake was happening no matter if the Haitians were all born again, or if not a single human being lived there. Pat Robertson once ran for President, which meant that Pat had to make a deal with the devil as well. Why didn't God strike him down on the spot? Maybe God kept Pat alive to make him look like the douche bag that he truly is, as an example for the more faithful as a way NOT to act.

Finally there is baseball legend, Mark McGwire, and his revelations about steroid use. Mark defended his baseball record by saying that "The man upstairs gave me the ability to hit this baseball, gave me the hand/eye coordination...", and thus the steroids had nothing to do with his home run total. Really? How the hell will we ever know? God may have indeed given you the gift of hitting a curve ball, but those steroids made that ball fly further than it would have if he had not used them. What does that say about Mark's attitude towards God anyway? "Hey God, thanks for this gift, but I'm going to spit on it in favor of cheating nature. I have a guy who will inject me with stuff that will make my body better than the one you (God) gave me. Guess what, Mark? God did give you a gift, and you threw it back in his face. In doing so your precious career is all a lie, and all of those little kids who lined up get your autograph, had your poster on their wall, and wanted to be like you have all had their world undone. Way to go, Mark. What about those kids who used steroids to be like you? Was that also part of God's gift? To poison a few thousand young men by example? Hey Mark, if you could have talked to God before you injected yourself with that shit for the first time, what do you think God would have said? I think know know damned well what God would have told you. So why try to hide behind a God that you so blatantly turned your back upon to defend yourself?

I do not speak for God. I do not do things because I think God wants them done. I do things for me, and when I speak(or write) an opinion it is solely on my own behalf. So Mark, on the off chance that you are actually reading this, let me show you how God actually works...

On October 17th, 1989 the Loma Prieta earthquake struck Northern California at 5:04 pm. The San Francisco bay area was devastated yet the fatalities were light, there should have been dead numbering in the fifty thousand range, but that didn't happen. You see, back on October 9th, the San Francisco Giants were playing the Chicago Cubs for the National League Championship. The winner would play McGwire's Oakland A's in the World Series. Anybody who knows baseball will tell you that 1989 should have been the Cubs year to win the World Series because they had a great team. Yet in the 8th inning of the 5th game of the NLCS Bielecki walks Candy Maldonado, then he walks Brett Butler, and then walks Robbie Thompson. Then with bases loaded, Will Clark (another guy put on the earth to play baseball by God) singles just over the second baseman's head into center field, and Maldonado and Butler score. The Giants would win that game and the series. That turning point was Clark's fly ball to center field, and if you ever watch that play theball just floats and then drops. Baseballs are known to do funny things, and on that warm, sunny day in San Francisco that ball landed exactly where it needed to. Exactly where it needed to so that on October 17th, all of those freeways that would have been bumper-to-bumper with commuters heading home were instead relatively empty. Exactly where it needed to fall to get families together to in one place, or friends together in a special location all to watch a classic once in a lifetime event. Right where it needed to fall to make sure that more people have extra food, batteries (to listen to the game on the radio), and beverages in stock for what surely could have gone seven games.

You see, God is not fire and brimstone. God does things subtly, without notice. God was able to get as many people off of the highways and into their homes with their friends and families simply by floating a baseball into center field. People still died, and that is not because they were some how bad people. They just were not baseball fans, or just had bad luck/timing that day. It speaks to God's limitations too, that earthquake was going to happen, and I would suggest that God could not stop it. I suspect that God has rules that must be followed just as we all do, but God found a way to save as many people as possible. It is ironic that it was Will Clark, a man who never used steroids, and exploited his God-given gifts as a baseball player that God chose(?) to put that ball into play. Will Clark is a simple man, a fierce baseball player, and a good guy. Will Clark isn't perfect and he is the first one to admit this. That is what makes him great, than and he would never hide behind God.

So to Al Qaeda, Pat Robertson, and Mark McGwire I simply ask this question. Why blame God for your shortcomings? You guys all were given gifts by God, and you chose to use them for Evil. I wonder what God will say about that someday?

1 comment:

jonnybecky said...

Well done thesis.